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Sue S.
WHY
DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was
going to the "other side." That's what
"they" call it the "other side. " Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And, if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side."That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50
tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president
of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal
wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result,
the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme
to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my
staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates
fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted
to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressiona follow-up
investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has
leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual
in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, (or
at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook -- Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to oppress him and keep him
down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt
cross the road" And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
BILL CLINTON
I NEVER had a sexual relationship wth that chicken.
=====================================================================================
Robert B.
You have just received the "West Virginia Virus."
As we here in West Virginia don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the
honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to
everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Jethro
=====================================================================================
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of...
The Worst (or Best) Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time:
______________________________
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good bye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine.
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I
Figure We Got An Even Deal.
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
=====================================================================================
Northern girls vs. Southern girls
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The Northern girl said: "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of
a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where
y'all from, bitch?"
=====================================================================================
Clark C.
REDNECK GHOST STORY
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural.To get a
feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?"15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3
students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The
professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step back,and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,no one has ever claimed to have
slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the
podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the professor says, "Well, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit...From way back there I thought
you said "goats."
<![CDATA[====================================================================================</p>
<p>A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6
O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that
bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she
owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said,
"No. A bet's a bet. You won the money." So the redhead said, "Listen, I
have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The
blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" ]]>
====================================================================================
John J. W.
Funny story
An Italian immigrant goes into a bar in San Francisco. He's got a dead cat over his
sholder, an old rusty pistol in his belt, and he's carrying a bucket of shit. He sits down
at the bar, orders a shot of whiskey straight up, puts the bucket of shit down on the
floor, and the dead cat down on the bar.
The bartender brings him his drink. He downs the shot with a gulp, takes a bite out of the
dead cat, takes the pistol out of his belt and fires a round into the bucket of shit. This
is a tough bar, and people just give him a little more room.
The guy orders another shot, same deal. Chugs the shot, takes another bite out of the dead
cat, out with the pistol, BLAM!! into the bucket of shit.
The bartender's idle curiosity gets the better of him and he asks his customer; "Hey,
Buddy, what's with the routine? The shot, the cat, the pistol, and the bucket of
shit?"
The immigrant replies, "I'ma justa cuma from Italy to America. Before I coma to
America, I aska my grambop whada I needa to do to makeita ok in America. My grambopa he
say, Ettorio, you go to America an you do three things. You shoota the shit, you drinka
whiskey, an you eata pussy, and you makeita ok in America".
=====================================================================================
Marianne Subject: Cute Blond Joke
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for
help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays ..."God,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car
as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she
prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my
car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a
good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is
confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."
=====================================================================================
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
=====================================================================================
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be
the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and
clapping. I explained to him that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, he was very disappointed.
=====================================================================================
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his
head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.
=====================================================================================
ROBERT W B.
Tony, the old Italian greengrocer, used to sell his wares every Tuesday and Thursday,
still dispensing them from the hand cart he had used for years. He would advertise his
vegetables with his own sing-song list of what was available for that day. He was going
down one particular street on Tuesday and was calling out "We got potatoes, we got
tomatoes, we got carrots, we got celery." A lady from the third floor called out
"Tony, you got any onions?". "No lady, I got no onions." That Thursday
the same thing. "We got potatoes, we got tomatoes, we got carrots, we got
celery." The same lady opened the window and called out "Tony, you got any
onions?". "No lady, I got no onions."
This went on for a couple of more weeks, and finally after the lady asked "Tony, you
got any onions?" he couldn't take it any longer. "Hey lady, you take the
"to" out of tomatoes and what do you have?" "You got 'matoes,
Tony" she replied. "Okay, you take the "po" out of potatoes and what
do you have?" "Why, you've got 'tatoes." "Okay, you take the
"fuck" out of onions and what do you have?" "Tony, there's no fuck in
onions." "Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you."
=====================================================================================
A woman walks into the doctor's office and says: "Doctor I hurt all over."
And the doctor says, "That's impossible .
"No really!" she said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch!
It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", she replies.
The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blonde aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says "Why yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because, your finger is broken."
===================================================================================
Lilly O.
Ethnic - Irish Lads At Sea (Another fine example of Irish Reasoning)
Two Irish lads were in a lifeboat after their ship sank in a storm. After hours of
floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie
appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not
the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the first man blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two lads considered
their circumstances.
The second one looked disgustedly at the first whose wish had been granted. After a long,
tension filled moment, he said ..."Nice going!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
====================================================================================
Steve B.
Billy Ray and Jim Bob went hunting and and got camp all set up when they discovered
they had forgotten to bring anything to eat except a big bag of Doritos.
"Gawdam!" said Billy Ray, You was sposed to bring the chow! What we gonna do for
grub?"
" Wull", said Jim Bob, "If we jis had some cheese, we could have us some
mighty fine nachos, and I'm gonna get us some. Don't you worry." Then he left camp
and reappeared about an hour later with a bag of cheese.
Billy Ray grabbed the cheese and took a whiff of it. "Sheeit, Jim Bob, he said, this
ain't nacho cheese. This here's limburger!"
"No it ain''t cried Jim Bob, "It's gotta be nacho cheese. When I swiped it off
that picnic table and run, them people was all yellin' after me. They was sayin 'Hey,
that's nacho cheese!' "
====================================================================================
Mary Ann
WHAT DOES A POSTCARD FROM A BLOND'S VACATION SAY?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
====================================================================================
Rosey J.
Q: What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blondes eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
====================================================================================
Steve B.
Einstein's IQ Theory!
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the 1st person he sees and
asks, "What is you IQ?" to which the man answers "241".
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
To which the lady answers, "144".
"That's great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current
affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man
answers, "51".
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
====================================================================================
SPOD (Stupid People of the Day)
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft
from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When
they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast
guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is
inflated. They are no longer employed there.
*******************************
A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center
wrote:
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
********************************
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class,
You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod... That was pretty much the end
of learning for that day.
********************************
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods.
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,I
have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter. One night a
tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: I have a
customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.
*********************************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year
old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said
RADAR TRAP AHEAD. A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and
a bucket at his feet, full of change.
*********************************
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke,
only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. No sense pulling up the entire
floor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady
came in. Here, she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. I found them in the hallway.
Now, she said, if only I could find my gerbil.
====================================================================================
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